To be out, or not to be out? An asexual dilemma…
Well, it’s been a heck of a week for me and for many other members who have been involved in the ongoing media interest in asexuality. The interview requests keep pouring in to us by e-mail and on the forums themselves from newspapers, magazines, radio stations and TV production companies. Whilst we may have expected SOME media interest after the fantastic New Scientist article, I don’t think that many of us ever really expected the amount we actually got! In terms of public awareness of our orientation this has been incredible, but as individuals a lot of us have had to think hard about just HOW public we want our lives to be.
Some members of AVEN are ‘out and proud’ about who and what they are, and are thick-skinned or assertive enough to simply brush off or respond defiantly any abuse or criticism other people may have of them, whilst others, like myself, are still very much in the ‘asexual closet’. There are many on the site who, like me, really wanted to do their bit to raise visibility by sharing their experiences with reporters, but who felt that they couldn’t do so because the media tend to demand to speak to people who are open about their asexuality and willing to reveal their identity to the masses by using their real name and allowing photographs of themselves to be printed.
As the requests started flooding into my inbox last Wednesday the reality of the situation hit me: if I really wanted to go public with this then I’d first have to address the main issue that would hold me back from doing so. That is, the fact that none of my family or friends know about my self-identification as an asexual. The last thing I wanted to happen was for them to find out through the national press rather than from my own mouth – I felt that this might be quite distressing for them. I resolved that I would do so as soon as possible.
And yet I am still very much in my closet over a week later. The intention was there, but when it came down to it I just couldn’t think of a good way of bringing it up. This is how it was supposed to go:
Me: Mum, I’ve got something to tell you. Something you need to know because in a couple of days’ time I am going to be right in the middle of a media-frenzy.
Mum: Oh?
Me: Well…you know how I’ve been single for pretty much the past 7 years? Well that’s because I’m just not interested in sex. I never really have been and I doubt I ever will. And I lied about the discussion forum that I’m always on – we DO have a common interest, and a lack of interest in sex is it! We call ourselves ‘asexuals’ and there’s just been an article in the New Scientist about us…
*whips out copy of New Scientist with the article bookmarked ready to read*
…and we all live happily ever after and I get to go public, blah, blah, blah….
Needless to say, none of that actually happened. Every time I got home I just couldn’t face talking to her about it. I’ve now realised that I could never do it that way – I realised just what a private person I am in real life, and that I was going to have to be much more selective about the interview requests I agreed to do. For now I will continue to tread the fine line between doing my bit for asexual awareness and keeping my private life just that from my friends and family. I am quite willing to have my name and face plastered all over publications in other countries and even in British publications that no-one I know is likely to see, but I draw the line at anything that might cause me to be unexpectedly out-ed to them before I am ready to do it myself.
For other members of AVEN who have come out to their friends and family, there seem to have been mixed outcomes – everything from fully supportive, accepting (and even anticlimactic!) responses to outright accusations of bringing shame on the family. In particular, I wish Peter MacKenzie the best of luck in resolving the family issues that his public outing in the Glasgow Herald may have exacerbated. I have a lot of respect for you Peter, and I really wish I had your courage.
Well done to everyone who has been a part of the start of REAL asexual visibility, either through talking to the media or through simply being open about their orientation with their friends and family. But I’m afraid that, for now, there are still many of us who are much more comfortable keeping the truth about our asexuality firmly in the closet - around people we know, anyway!